High-priced NFL announcers will prove they’re a total waste

“Who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons, wise men never try.” — Lyrics from “Some Enchanted Evening” 

Early within the Rams-Bills NFL opener Thursday, it turned abundantly obvious that each NBC and Cris Collinsworth stay underneath the misapprehension that viewers have been tuned in solely to listen to Collinsworth’s nonstop, all-knowing, all-seeing genius. 

As reader A. Masliansky put it, “If Collinsworth is paid by the word, he’s underpaid.” 

But with new, wildly illogical NFL announcer salaries — Collinsworth is now paid $12.5 million for his seasonal presence — that’s extremely unlikely. 

That brings us to the Broncos-Seahawks recreation Monday evening and the ESPN debut of the Joe Buck-Troy Aikman group, as per Disney’s overwhelming largesse. 

Having yearly wrecked its “Monday Night Football” sales space with dangerous concepts and rotten foresight — Jason Witten, Louis Riddick, Jon Gruden, Joe Tessitore, Brian Griese and the costly unintended farce of putting Booger McFarland in that horizontally cellular Rubber Baby Booger Buggy — ESPN has turned to Fox’s longtime lead NFL group, which ESPN boss Jimmy Pitaro has referred to as “iconic.” 

Sustaining this duo will value roughly $165 million over the course of their five-year contracts. 

Cris Collinsworth
Cris Collinsworth

As Jimmy Durante stated, “Money can’t buy you love, money can’t buy you happiness, but let me do my own shopping!” 

Buck and Aikman jumped to ESPN for what’s now often known as “Tony Romo Money.” When Romo retired because the Cowboys’ quarterback (the identical job as Aikman and, earlier than “MNF” on ABC in 1970, Don Meredith), he was already within the throes of a bidding battle to develop into a community analyst. 

He signed with CBS for almost $180 million over 10 years. He has a profitable character, however so, presumably, do you. 

Yet although it’s recognized to all however these in TV that no recreation broadcaster could make the general public watch with out a recreation connected, in throwing crazy-go-nuts money at Buck and Aikman, they purchased and maintained a duo that the general public might take or depart. 

Though Fox’s No. 1 group is assigned to essentially the most interesting, higher-rated, late-afternoon video games, it didn’t matter if the pairing consisted of Buck and Aikman, Jacoby and Meyers or Null and Void. 

But good for Buck, Aikman, ESPN, Disney and maybe, at the beginning, good for Fox, which like ESPN, doesn’t need assistance to make rotten broadcasting hires. 

But on this case, it’s extremely unlikely that Fox will endure the lack of a single viewer for the absence of its 20-year group. 

Joe Buck, left, and Troy Aikman while still with FOX.
Joe Buck, left, and Troy Aikman whereas nonetheless with FOX.

Buck can’t appear to shake his cultivated persona as a smarmy piano lounge act who feeds his personal tip snifter for present. The pity of all of it is that he’s a common man off the air, genuinely humorous and interesting. 

On the air, he tries too onerous to be too slick, a counterproductive transparency that begins together with his drained, redundant introduction of Aikman as “the Hall of Famer.” 

Buck appears too keen to depart his personal mark on each telecast, which ill-serves him and us. And his recitation of misapplied and even irrelevant stats set earlier than him usually level to a poor grasp of soccer. 

Aikman doesn’t appear any extra relaxed and conversational than he did when he started as a barely tongue-tied, cliché-ridden public communicator. He’s heard to function in a grey mist, devoid of insights that he retains to himself. He’s too usually simply plain uninteresting, as in simply plain. 

To inform us a participant “plays with a chip on his shoulder” — ugh! — means nothing until he provides why that chip shaped on the participant’s shoulder. Colossally silly acts, akin to penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct in shut video games, are left cautiously understated as in, “Not a smart play.” 

Both Buck and Aikman apparently underwent little-to-zero professional teaching or recommendation at Fox, one other community that has no day-after professional coaches or advisers. 

But on the money they’re now being paid by shot-callers who don’t know good from dangerous and dangerous from worse, who am I to inform Collinsworth, Buck and Aikman that they’re doing all of it mistaken? 

MLB to ‘shift’ guidelines in worst manner

I’ve by no means witnessed a season during which extra batters swing at pitches within the dust. What used to look a rarity — and a hilarity — can now be seen in virtually each recreation, usually greater than as soon as. 

Then there’s Giancarlo Stanton, whose batting abilities have eroded — as of Friday he was batting .213, even when analytics fantasists inform us batting averages are now not important — as he tries to uppercut each pitch at which he indiscriminately swings. Home run or zilch in each at bat, swinging so onerous his physique usually rejects his methodology. 

Giancarlo Stanton reacts after striking out.
Giancarlo Stanton reacts after hanging out.

No matter, MLB is primed subsequent season to handle the persevering with abandonment of profitable fundamentals via laws, banning on type of analytic within the shift to guard to spread-sheeted, laptopped homer-addicted analytics. 

Me? I’d ban analytics earlier than I’d ban the shift. Banning the shift is one other type of banning technique on behalf of those that lack the abilities or want to beat it. It’s a capitulation, not a treatment. 

It jogs my memory of a buddy who instructed me that his son dropped freshman year Spanish in school, explaining, “Well, he doesn’t speak Spanish.” 

Well, Mr. Roger “Good Investments” Goodell, neither the Jets nor the Giants have offered out their residence openers but. 

And each have waived doubtful tack-on ticket-purchase charges to attempt to transfer tickets from their very own, shared residence PSL stadium. 

The sudden disappearance of lengthy ready lists to buy season’s tickets, pre-PSLs, are lengthy gone, Mr. “It’s All About Our Fans” Goodell. Greed kills. 

Bad Nike dress will get addressed

Always observe the money: 

Perhaps essentially the most unintended comedy from this year’s U.S. Open got here when Canadian Bianca Andreescu requested permission from the chair ump to vary her hideous, movement-hindering, skirted, wind-altering, shot-altering outfit to extra useful and sensible tennis clothes. 

“It’s not my fault, it’s Nike’s fault,” she pleaded. “This dress is so, so bad. … I need to go. This is really bad.” 

The ump instructed her to, ahem, simply do it. 

After the match, which she gained, she tried to make good to Nike: “I could have definitely used a different choice of wording. So I apologize to anyone I disrespected. I love Nike and I hope I can be with them for the rest of my life!” 

Though Dustin Johnson was fast to seize thousands and thousands in Saudi mullah moola to depart the PGA, I ponder what would occur to his spouse, the previous Paulina Gretzky, if she wore certainly one of her revealing outfits in, say, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. 

Dustin Johnson, left, with wife Paulina Gretzky
Dustin Johnson, left, with spouse Paulina Gretzky
by way of Getty Images

Big lies, little lies: As channel-hoppers have famous, what MLB Network’s “Strike Zone” continues to name “Live Look-Ins” proceed to look on tape delay, a number of batters behind. 

It has come to this: An Upstate New York fellow I’ve lengthy recognized and trusted just lately learn a brochure revealed by a native highschool urging dad and mom and family members to not attend their youngsters’ sports activities occasions drunk or on medicine. “No guns, please,” is subsequent. 

Now NFL Hall of Fame and Notre Dame operating again Jerome Bettis is pushing parlay bets — additional dangerous bets — to the younger and weak in TV advertisements for a sports activities playing operation. 

Seems everybody’s first title on WFAN is now Promo Code. 

Spent the previous few days watching networks’ “Live Coverage of Queen Elizabeth’s Death.”

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